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I honestly do not think I am ready. I really can not be broken hearted again, my last two relationships hurt like hell and i do not know how much more things in my life I can repress before I am driven mad. Since I have been sick for so long, my self-esteem is out of the window. Truely, I hate myself. Fucking border- line diabetic, high fatty liver disease, chronic fatigue symdrome, chronic mononucleous, and some type of inflamation that the best doctors in the world are confused of where in my body the inflamation is and what the fuck it even is… They say, “Oh, Maria- You are so puzzling!” I am so tired of fighting this sickness… I am tired of catty bitches… I am tired of feeling tired… I am tired of school… I am tired of trying… I am tired of falling… I am tired of being depressed. People say to fix a problem you have to take the problem into your own hands.   This time in my life- for the first time- This is the first problem I do not know how to fix. I do not know where to start. Maybe at loving myself, or having hope that things will be better. I wish there was someone who understood how I felt. Not only the physical pain, but the emotional pain. The embrassment of not being able to attend school. Always being aware of yourself, never comfortable with anyone. There is two things I learned from this illness: Your health is really the number one thing in life. If your health is failing, then everything else in your life falls behind and that every moment in your life is valuable in someway. Corny but- everything happens for a reason. Hopefully I figure out a reason soon for me being sick. Maybe I will be happy when I can accept the way my life is going. That these amazing doctors will find some type of cure and life will just go back to a time when life was not so difficult. A time when I was not broken. Sometimes something so big happens in your life that it almost defines your life- I do not want this to be that something in my life. I want to change someone’s life dramatically. Make a huge impact on someone else’s life. I want to help children that have disabilties, and be important to someone. I want to take care of others, be someone’s inspiration. I dream of a life where I never got sick and I did what I wanted in high school. Would that even make me happy? Even if I want to admit it or not, all of these bad things in my life made me stronger. I could take a valuable lesson out of my struggles. Though, right now, I just want to breathe.

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